Louise's Bad Fur Day
by TheannaTheWhite
Summary: Every adventure has a beginning. Louise de la Valliére's begins with the Springtime Familiar Summoning. Lost in a world that makes no sense, Louise tries to fix her mistakes and find a way home.
1. Chapter 1

_For those of you who have been reading Stalker Zero, this does not mean I'm abandoning that story. This was something I decided to whip up on a whim. Don't expect the same serious and depressing aura that sometimes surrounds Stalker Zero. _

_I felt like a little change of pace. Don't take this story very seriously. It's just for fun. I think it's always great to see Louise in a ridiculous scenario that just gets her all red-faced and freaking out. I didn't play much Conker's Bad Fur Day to get details down. I played it so many times, along with the remake for Xbox, so it's practically burned into my memory. I did, however, attempt a quick run-through of Conker's Pocket Tales, but I dropped it pretty quickly. _

_Besides, who actually remembers that freaking game anyway? I'll be taking a lot of liberties with the areas from that particular game, but I don't think anyone's going to care._

_I think reverse-summons might become my thing. I dunno. They're out there, but there are definitely less of them than the usual 'Louise summons x'. _

_So yeah. Louise trapped in the world of Conker's Bad Fur Day. Let's see how this goes. _

…

_Louise's Bad Fur Day I_

This certainly wasn't how Louise had expected things to go.

Louise had studied magic for the majority of her short sixteen years of existence; ever since she could read, in fact. Her first year at the Tristain Academy of Magic had supplemented what most would consider an already vast knowledge of the arcane arts. She knew the theory in and out, as if it were written on the back of her hand.

But somehow, that couldn't make up for the mountain of practical failures she had left behind.

When a student graduated to their second year at the Tristain Academy of Magic there was an examination of sorts required to move on: The Springtime Familiar Summoning.

Every mage in Halkeginia performed this ceremony at some point in their life. It was a sacred rite. For some, it could change their lives forever. Louise had hoped with all her heart that when her turn came it would be her own life changing experience, proving once and for all her status as a mage and a Noble.

Louise _needed_ to succeed. This was her final chance to prove the worth of the blood coursing through her veins.

It was such a shame that things had gone so horribly wrong.

The Springtime Familiar Summoning was meant to summon a familiar _to_ the caster. That was how it was designed, and that was how it had worked for thousands of years. Louise knew well enough that the spell was not supposed to whisk her off to some random place. Her prospective familiar was the one meant to succumb to the whisking, not her. This seemed to be all backwards.

Louise had performed the ceremony flawlessly, she knew it. She had studied it in depth for weeks, remembering the runes, the summoning circle, and practicing through the motions late at night. She had done it right. Louise couldn't quite remember the specifics of what happened after the spell had been cast, but she distinctly remembered a lot of shouting.

Perhaps she had just blown something up again.

Lying in the grass with her arms out to her sides, Louise felt that if she were in a novel this would be the part when the main character would stare up at the passing clouds and reflect.

There were a couple of problems with that. For one, she wasn't in a novel, and secondly, she couldn't actually see the sky. Daylight came from somewhere nearby, but above her was solid rock. She could hear the furious roar of a rushing waterfall, and the gentle chirping of songbirds. Was this some kind of cove she was in? It was all very nice and pleasant – Cattleya would have loved it, she was sure – but Louise wasn't even close to being in the mood to soak it in.

Louise didn't feel quite right. Not in regards to the broiling turmoil of emotions she was feeling, no, it was simply physical. Something just felt wrong. She finally made the decision to sit up and take stock of what she had gotten herself into, and immediately regretted it.

The first thing Louise noticed was her hands. More specifically, the fact that her hands… were no longer hands. If they could be compared to anything it would be paws. Poking out from the cuffed sleeves of her white shirt were two startlingly humanoid paws, covered entirely by a soft layer of what could only be grey fur. Her thumbs were still there, but for some reason she only had three fingers on each hand rather than four. She turned her hands over, and took in the fleshy pink pads that had replaced her palms. She curled her fingers and saw that her manicured fingernails had been drastically sharpened. They were claws.

Louise stared, her mouth falling open in horror. She could barely breathe, let alone comprehend what she was seeing. However, what came into her vision next really threw her for a loop.

Normally, the only skin visible on her thighs was the few inches exposed between the hem of her black skirt and the tops of her matching leggings. It was just fur now. More grey fur. That was all unwell and horrifying, but it paled in comparison to the _thing_ on the ground between her legs.

Louise couldn't believe her eyes. She scrambled to her feet, ripping at the dirt and grass like a wild animal. A look over her shoulder confirmed her fears. It was long, bushy, and had a white tip.

She had a tail.

An honest-to-god tail.

A choked sob forced its way up her throat. Louise refused to believe this. It couldn't be real, it was just impossible. She tried to reason it all out in her head. This had to be some elaborate prank, some magical illusion whipped up by Zerbst and her idiot friends. Any second now they would all jump out of the bushes, pointing and laughing at her tears.

It soon became rather apparent that wasn't going to happen.

Louise started stepping around in a circle, desperately trying to get a better view of her extra limb. For some reason she wasn't wearing her black mantle, but it was all for the better. The tail came out just above her bottom, protruding out from a hole in her skirt that hadn't been there before. Louise knew it had to be fake, so she grabbed the tail and gave it a sharp tug.

She found herself crying out in pain.

The tail was real. Louise felt close to hyperventilating, and alarmingly faint. She looked to the water with hot tears in her eyes and started taking shaky and hesitant steps. She wanted to see her reflection, but at the same time, she thought it was probably the worst thing she could do.

When Louise took in what was staring back at her the strength vanished from her legs. She fell to her knees, silent tears streaking down her face. She was a monster. A horrifying and inhuman beast

Her face wasn't even close to resembling a human being's anymore. Her cheeks were big and puffy, and her nose was small and black. The fur around her cheeks and nose was white, but above that it was all grey. Her ears had moved themselves a few inches up her head. They were rounded, and poked out through her hair. Her teeth appeared normal enough aside from the two at the front, which were much larger than they should have been.

The only parts similar to her previous self were her eyes and hair. Though her eyes were much larger now, her irises were still a vibrant pink. Her hair was long and of a similar color.

What was she supposed to be? An animal? Some giant humanoid squirrel?

Louise then promptly decided that this was all just a twisted dream. It couldn't have possibly been real anyway. She willed herself to wake up. She even pinched herself.

Nothing happened, other than a brief jolt of pain from the pinching.

Her breathing grew faster and faster. Was this truly real? She stared at her reflection for only a brief moment longer before suddenly screaming at the top of her lungs in complete terror. She fell back, shuffling away from the water's edge. Louise did everything in her power to convince herself that what was happening wasn't actually happening.

She screamed again and again, holding her hands out in front of herself. Why did this feel so real? She screamed again. She looked to the tail, and screamed some more.

Between her cries, Louise somehow managed to hear somebody make a noise of surprise from frighteningly close by. She clammed up and looked wildly to her right. There was nobody there, only a small garden bordered by a poorly build fence. The crops in the garden didn't seem to be doing so well. They were withered and dying. The only other notable feature was the scarecrow. A large burlap sack filled with straw made up the torso, with a smaller portion sectioned off by a tied rope to create a head. On the head was a wide-brimmed straw hat, casting a shadow over a rather unfriendly looking face. A tattered red sweater was draped over the torso.

Swiveling on the stick planting it to the ground, the scarecrow turned to face Louise.

Louise stared into the two dark holes that made up its eyes, and screamed out loud again.

The scarecrow, apparently startled by the volume of Louise's scream, jumped slightly before it let out a scratchy scream of its own.

Louise screamed even louder at the animated scarecrow, which in turn, screamed back again with its stick-like arms flailing wildly.

All of this proved too much for Louise's troubled mind to comprehend. Her brain chose the best course of action without her consent. It simply switched off.

Flopping over backwards, Louise fainted.

…

Louise wasn't exactly sure how long it had taken for her to wake up, but she did manage to remember why she fainted in the first place. Now, she glumly sat at the water's edge with her knees pulled up to her chest, and had been that way for what felt like hours. The wand she had used to perform the Familiar Summoning Ceremony was nowhere to be found, but like any responsible mage she carried a spare.

She was now using that instrument of magic to uselessly poke at the surface of the water, at her reflection.

The water surrounded the small plot of land on three sides, creating a miniature peninsula. It was located within a small cove, backed right up against the rocky wall. The water flowed out from two caves on either side of the peninsula, dropping off into a large waterfall a little ways ahead. At least that explained the sounds of rushing water she had noticed when she first awoke.

Louise could see a small island sitting in the water ahead, right at the edge of the waterfall. Past the waterfall the area opened up into a deep chasm. Rocky outcroppings topped with tufts of grass spiraled up along the walls, interconnected by what appeared to be rope bridges. She thought she could see a set of wooden double doors set into the surface of the rock wall. Higher up, a stone bridge spanned across the chasm from one wall to the other.

She had pondered why this little garden was here in the middle of nowhere. Who tended to it? How did they even get here?

Why was the scarecrow alive?

Looking slowly, the scarecrow didn't seem very much alive anymore. It had apparently gone from screaming its head off to ignoring her presence altogether, slumped over in what looked like quite the uncomfortable position. Listening, Louise could hear it snoring lightly. It was asleep.

Louise turned back to the water, feeling no urge to get up anytime soon.

So many questions floated through the muddled mess that was Louise's mind, but there was one that was certainly first and foremost.

Why in the Founder's name was she a giant grey-furred squirrel?

Louise moved her tail, bringing it around in front of her face. She grasped it, much more gently then last time, and gave the fur a soft stroke. It was definitely attached to her, there was no mistaking it. The concept of having a tail was obviously quite foreign to Louise, being that she had spent the last sixteen years of her life as a human. For some reason, however, the tail felt natural, as if it belonged. She could move it with the same ease as she would move an arm or a leg.

Louise hadn't considered herself to be beautiful before. She was flat-chested, short, and scrawny. But now, looking at this reflection, she felt nothing short of hideous. She couldn't possibly face anybody now, not after this. Nobody would even recognize her anyway, they'd just scream out in horror at the sight of her, a monster. Her family would never keep such an ugly beast under the Valliére name. Her life was over.

How did this happen? What had she done to herself?

Why didn't the scarecrow think it was odd that she was some giant walking and talking squirrel?

Narrowing her eyes, Louise turned her head towards the slumbering scarecrow again. It _was_ a living scarecrow, so the scope of what it would consider to be odd could theoretically be quite narrow. Maybe it was just enchanted to act alive, or maybe it was a golem, left here to guard the crops. But why? How did anybody even get here? There was no boat. Did they just swim?

Perhaps standing and doing something was better than just sitting around and brooding.

Hoping that the scarecrow might have some answers, Louise stood and pocketed her wand. Her steps were shaky at first, but by the time she reached the garden's fence they had evened out. There was garbage strewn about, consisting mostly of empty glass bottles, but there were some other random odds and ends. Louise eyed a pair of reflective traffic cones sitting nearby, wondering of their purpose, but only for a moment.

Louise stood several meters away from the slumbering scarecrow. A safe distance, she hoped. After a few moments of staring, Louise decided to just address the thing. "Hey," she said, her voice weak.

The scarecrow didn't respond.

"Hey!" Louise said again, pressing to be louder.

Still, the scarecrow did not respond. Its blissful slumber continued unabated.

Louise wasn't in any sort of mood to mess around, so she instantly grew incredibly frustrated. If her face had merely been skin, it would have flushed red. "_HEY!_" She shouted, straining her lungs.

The scarecrow jolted awake. "Eh!? Whassat? Wha…?" It glanced about wildly, the straw hat nearly falling from its head. The empty eye sockets quickly settled on Louise, and it pointed. "Huh? Who are you?"

Louise had taken a step backward in surprise, but it quickly passed. Her brow furrowed. The scarecrow slurred in a scratchy voice as if it was a drunkard, and it spoke in an accented Albionese that she hadn't heard before. Normally, when introducing herself, Louise would have planted her hands firmly on her hips and stuck her nose high in the air. She didn't feel like doing any of that right now.

"…I'm Louise," Louise introduced, putting on her best Albionese. "And you are?"

"Birdy," the scarecrow answered. If it took note of her accent, it didn't say anything.

Louise paused in confusion. "Your name is _Birdy?_ That's what you're called?"

Birdy nodded in what might have been enthusiasm. "Yeh. Birdy." The scarecrow flapped its arms in an imitation of a bird. "I scare birdies."

Wincing, Louise was quite sure that Birdy did indeed scare off birds. He'd likely scare off most people as well. "I see…" She awkwardly glanced around. There was a single wooden sign staked into the ground next to Birdy, written clearly in Albionese. It read something quite obscene in a gesture towards crows. Louise winced. Perhaps this wasn't the friendliest sort of place. Or the most refined.

The few moments of silence between them seemed to be enough to deter the scarecrow from conversation.

"I'm going back to bed now," Birdy said, yawning. "Night-night."

"H-hey! No!" Louise sputtered, stepping closer. "Don't go back to sleep, I need to talk to you!"

The scarecrow's eye sockets narrowed in annoyance. Louise couldn't blame it. If a loud talking squirrel had woken her up from a nap, she'd be rather peeved as well. "Huh? Wha'?"

"Where are we right now?"

Birdy was silent. He swiveled a full 360 degrees before facing Louise again. The scarecrow pointed to the ground. "Here."

Louise's face flattened. She pointed to the ground as well. "We're here?"

The scarecrow nodded. "Yeh."

Louise scratched at her forehead. "Yes, thank you. I believe I've managed to gather that much, actually. Where might here be?"

Birdy was silent, seemingly stumped by Louise's question.

"What country is this?" Louise asked again, her eyes narrowing slightly. "Are we in Albion?"

Birdy's head tilted in confusion. "Huh? Oh. No, no," he said, shaking his head.

Exasperated, Louise just wanted to scream. She refrained from doing so. She must have been out in the hills somewhere. Looking at Birdy, she found that the scarecrow really wasn't surprised at her appearance. "Don't you…" Louise said slowly. "Don't you think this is strange?"

Birdy was slow to catch on. He just looked hopelessly confused.

"Just look at me!" Louise exclaimed, her arms out to her sides. "I'm some kind of gigantic squirrel for God's sake! I'm disgusting! I'm a monster!"

"Gigantic?" Birdy parroted. "You're short," he pointed out.

Louise gaped. She pointed accusingly. "A-a-and you! You're a scarecrow! Why are you a scarecrow!?"

"To scare birdies."

"Obviously!" Louise slapped a hand against her forehead. She tried to get herself to calm down. "This must be a dream," she said to herself, cradling her head as she muttered. She began to pace around in a circle. "This _has_ to be a dream." She turned away from Birdy and yelled. "I'm ready to wake up now!"

Louise felt a sudden sensation of pain from the side of her head. She turned to see that the scarecrow had plucked a hair from her head. "W-why did you do that?"

Birdy dropped the hair. "Guess you're not dreaming."

"Oh God! Oh Founder above!" Louise cried. "This is real. This is really real! I'm really some talking squirrel right now! I'm really a talking squirrel talking to a talking scarecrow!" Louise fell to her knees in a fit of despair, her face in her hands. She felt like she was about to cry again.

"So, uh, you got anythin' to drink?"

Louise looked up, disbelief written on her features. "…Drink? No! I have no drink! I'm a squirrel!"

"Uh, okay. What about some… uh, mepsipax?"

Louise's nose twitched. "What?"

Birdy flapped a hand dismissively. "Never mind."

Louise slowly stood, her face glum. "I need to get out of here," she said to Birdy. "I believe I'm quite lost. I have to find a way home, and I have to figure out how to fix this. How am I supposed to leave? Where's the way out of this place?"

Birdy swiveled around on its stick, pointing towards the waterfall. "Just over there."

Louise gaped. "What? How am I supposed to get over there?"

"You could swim?" Birdy offered.

The pink-haired squirrel's shoulders drooped. Swim? She had to swim? That was ridiculous! Despite her status as a Noble, Louise actually did possess the ability to swim, but it hadn't been by choice. Her mother had been the one who insisted she was able to do such things.

Louise could also paint, horribly. She could knit as well, also horribly.

She didn't want to swim for a number of reasons. The biggest was that the small island that was her target was dangerously close to a waterfall, and she didn't know how far it dropped on the other side. Also, swimming would mean she was going to get wet. Louise did not want to get wet, especially considering the amount of fur covering her body. She supposed she could just remove her clothing, and dry off on the other side, but if she did that how was she supposed to bring her clothes with her? Besides, that would involve exposing her furry nude body to the world, which she wasn't quite so inclined to do. She didn't even want to see it herself, let alone allow this creepy scarecrow the opportunity to have a peek.

If Louise were a more proficient mage, she could have just levitated across. She cursed herself.

"I'm going to bed now," Birdy suddenly announced. "Night-night."

Louise opened her mouth to protest, but faltered when she found that the scarecrow was already drooped over and snoring. It wasn't like the animated scarecrow could offer her anymore assistance. It wasn't going to swim across with her on its back – it didn't even have legs – and it definitely couldn't fly. She was on her own.

She decided quickly that it would just be best to get it over with. As a member of the Valliére family who lived under the 'Rule of Steel', she should be able to do this with ease. Louise just prayed nobody would see her soaking wet. Outside the cove, it looked rather sunny. She prayed again that she would be lucky enough to dry quickly.

Louise waded into the water, grimacing as the water reached up past her hips. Continuing, the water soon became too deep for wading, and she was forced to break out into an unsteady breaststroke. The small island neared quickly. Louise suspected her pace was greatly aided by the current.

Clambering onto the island, Louise theorized that this was how a wet cat would feel right now. Thoroughly agitated and upset. Her last foray into deep water had been over two years ago, so the short swim hadn't been particularly easy.

Suddenly, Louise found herself instinctively shaking herself off much like dog would. She stopped.

"W-what am I doing?" Louise sputtered aloud to nobody in particular. "Acting l-l-like some kind of animal…" She sighed. With her clothes sogged and her fur wet she felt about forty pounds heavier. The small island she found herself on was only about ten meters in diameter, and out here in the sunlight it was pleasantly warm. Looking over the edge, Louise found that the rushing waterfall dropped well over one-hundred feet. While annoyed with her situation, she could at least be thankful that she hadn't fallen down there.

This little island was connected to the first of a series of outcroppings that spiraled up the wall of the curved chasm by a small rope bridge. Wooden boards made up the footpath, and it didn't have any railings.

Louise swallowed as she stepped onto the bridge, all too wary of the rushing water beneath her feet. The bridge began to sag under her weight as she moved further away from solid ground. Feeling blind fear, Louise increased her pace and practically sprinted to the other side.

The outcropping was a little precarious, but it felt like a blessing compared to that bridge. It wasn't over yet, however. If she wanted to get up higher to that stone bridge above she was going to have to cross more of these small rope bridges.

Louise held her breath and swiftly crossed over to the next plot of land, her dripping tail trailing out behind. This outcropping held something curious that she had already seen from afar. Surrounded by cobblestone, a set of wooden double doors was set into the chasm wall. Naturally, Louise was curious. Especially considering that they were partway open.

The wooden door creaked ominously as Louise gently pushed it open. She poked her head inside. The room was a natural pocket in the rock, filled with mossy stone and sharp stalagmites. It was warmly lit with burning lanterns hanging from the ceiling by chains. Did somebody live here? It looked kind of empty to her. Louise stepped inside, calling out. "Hello?"

And then, seemingly of its own accord, the door slammed shut.

Louise whirled around, panicked. She tried to pull it open, but the knobs wouldn't budge. It was locked. The only options were to either blow it open or unlock it via the rather oversized keyhole in the center of the two doors.

Before she could put either idea into action, Louise heard something shuffling about behind her. She spun to face the rest of the room, putting her back against the door. Her wand found its way into her hand. "W-who's there?" Louise called. "Show yourself!"

From behind a thick stalagmite an enormous brass key hopped into view. The two eyes inexplicably sitting on top of the ring were comically oversized.

The only thing Louise could think to do was scream, so she did. The key screamed as well, although it was a more of a high-pitched metallic squeal. It jumped high in the air, seemingly from fright, and then hopped away into the back of the room. It disappeared into the darkness.

Louise stood, frozen, wand in hand. She was still trying to fully comprehend what she had just seen.

It was, quite simply, a giant key.

Louise could easily put two and two together. The door at her back had a very large keyhole. There was a very large key lurking around in this room somewhere. She stepped forward, calling out into the darkness. "H-hello? M-Mr. Key? I don't want to hurt you… you just frightened me is all."

The key appeared out from around a stalagmite, only feet away. Louise started, wondering how it had managed to get there so suddenly when it had just fled into the back of the room.

Louise smiled nervously. "Hi… I, um, need your –"

She didn't get the chance to finish. The key's large eyes suddenly took on an angry light. It jumped up in the air and punted Louise right in the stomach. She doubled over in pain, while the key hopped away into the dark.

After a moment, Louise looked up, her face contorted. "I tried to be nice…" She said lowly, before raising her voice exponentially. "I _tried_ to be nice! I really did! And you just hit me in the stomach!? What is the matter with you!?" Louise raised her wand dangerously. "Now where the hell are you? Come out!"

Louise figured she could have just left by now. Blowing open the doors surely wouldn't have been that difficult. But she wasn't going to let the key get away with what it had just done.

Thinking for a second, Louise realized that she was a talking squirrel, in a cave, fighting against an animated key that was nearly half as tall as she was, after taking directions from a talking scarecrow.

Nobody would ever believe this in a million years.

The key sauntered out from the darkness, still looking peeved. Louise wasn't going to waste any time with theatrics. She chanted her spell. "In, ex, dest, flame. Fireball!"

There was no fireball, and Louise had never expected one. The ground just behind the key was torn up by a sudden explosion, the force of which was enough to send the key soaring through the air. It slammed into a stalagmite near Louise, cracking off the top. The key hit the ground with a dull thud, unmoving.

Louise cautiously approached the key. It wasn't dead, but it seemed she had knocked it unconscious. Pocketing her wand, she bent over to pick the key up. It was a troublesome affair. The key was immensely heavy, and it awoke once she had it up in her arms.

The key began to squirm around as she made her way towards the door. "Stop it!" Louise ordered, grimacing. "This is what you get!"

As Louise approached the lock, the key's squirming became more and more violent. For whatever reason, the key _really_ did not want to be put in the lock.

All the more reason to do it, then.

Muscles straining, Louise hefted the key and forced it straight into the keyhole. With it firmly lodged in, she groaned out in exertion as she gave the key a stiff quarter turn with both arms. The rather thick wooden door came open easily.

Louise stomped out into the daylight. She could hear the key squealing out its protest as she left, still stuck in the lock. She ignored it. As if she would let it go after it had just hit her. Staying in the keyhole like that was punishment.

Feeling indignant, Louise decided to move on. She had two bridges left to cross. Looking far ahead, she found herself staring for a second. There was something very familiar fluttering in the breeze.

Forgetting her fears and how high up she was, Louise bounded across the two bridges and came to a skidding halt on the final outcropping. She had reached the stone bridge, but that wasn't important to her right now.

On a wooden panel embedded into the chasm wall there was a very large lever. Even at its lowest position now, it was just over Louise's head. It was massive. What could it have possibly been for? There was a loop at the end of the lever, and barely hanging onto that loop was Louise's mantle. Smiling, Louise stepped forward and prepared to reclaim her article of clothing.

It was beyond her how it had gotten up here. It must have somehow come free and gotten caught in the wind.

Which was exactly what happened as Louise reached for it. The wind picked up and caught her mantle. It came away from the lever, and fluttered high up, above the chasm walls. Louise stared after it, gaping. "No!" She called after it, reaching out. She watched as it disappeared over the edge of the opposite chasm wall. Telling it to come back had crossed her mind, but it would have been in vain.

Louise sighed. So much for that. There weren't any more outcroppings, so this stone bridge was her only option. Unlike the rope bridges, this one was comfortably wide and sturdy. There was a cave on the other side, through which Louise could plainly see light. Even better, it went in the same direction her mantle had. Perhaps she'd see it again.

So Louise began to cross the bridge. She had gotten about halfway when the heavy beating of wings from above gave her pause. She looked up, and her eyes nearly bugged straight out of her head.

A massive stone gargoyle landed right in front of Louise. The impact was intense enough to send the pink-haired squirrel reeling backwards, onto her bottom. The gargoyle looked like it was made completely from stone, but it moved so organically at the same time. Its eyes burned with a deep and hateful red, two curved horns came out of its skull, and its face was long and grotesque.

A cloud of breath spat from the gargoyle's nostrils as it sat back on its haunches. "If you think you're coming this way," it said in a deep and booming voice. "You can think again."

Louise couldn't even think of a best course of action, so she just screamed.

That lasted only a few moments. The gargoyle was quickly fed up with the noise. It lurched forward, its face only feet away from Louise. "_Stop screaming!_" The gargoyle thundered.

Louise shut up almost instantly and began scurrying backwards on her bottom. She had never seen a gargoyle in real life, but she had heard of them.

The stories somehow neglected to mention that they could talk.

The gargoyle simply sat, relaxed, while Louise stared. The stone beast took up the entire width of the bridge. There was no way to get past it. When Louise got her breathing under control, she wondered, when was this thing going to attack her? Wasn't that what gargoyles did?

"Um… hello?" Louise tried.

The gargoyle stared back. The only sign it had even heard her was a slight cock of its head.

Louise pointed. "I… I need to get past, p-please."

"No." The Gargoyle crossed its arms, radiating self-importance. "I don't think so."

"But…" Despite the situation, Louise grew slightly irate. "It wouldn't even be a problem if you hadn't just landed in front of me like that! I just need to get across!"

"Well," the gargoyle began. It looked over its own claws like one would examine their fingernails. "If you'd like to discuss this little conundrum, you could come a little bit closer."

Louise promptly decided that getting closer to the gargoyle was not a good idea. She could only imagine the ease at which it could squash her into a thin paste.

Steeling herself, Louise brought out her wand and leveled it straight at the gargoyle. It stared back, nonplussed. "What's that?" It snorted.

Louise felt a little baffled. "I-It's my wand!"

The gargoyle let out a loud laugh. "A magic wand? You've got to be joking."

Louise was already chanting. "In, ex, dest, flame. Fireball!" Before the gargoyle could comprehend that something bad was truly about to occur, the explosion erupted right in its face. As the smoke cleared and the echo tapered off, Louise saw the stone beast struggling to regain balance.

The gargoyle fell right off the side of the bridge, and plummeted.

Gaping, Louise watched it fall. It had nearly reached the bottom of the chasm, but with a great flap of its wings its fall was stalled. It was coming back.

Louise wasn't dumb enough to stick around to find out of the gargoyle was annoyed or not. She flew across the bridge at a dead sprint, right into the cover of the cave.

The ground shook beneath her feet, enough to send her stumbling forward. The meager amount of light in the cave was blotted out, replaced by a dangerous red glow. Louise looked back, seeing the gargoyle's eyes in the cave's mouth. Luckily for Louise the gargoyle was far too large to fit in the cave with her.

"Well," the gargoyle said. "Aren't you the tricky one?"

Louise glared. "You should have just let me pass! Then I wouldn't have –"

The gargoyle shot and arm out into the cave. It came down, only feet from Louise. She stumbled back, wide-eyed.

"Lucky too," the gargoyle remarked.

Louise got to her feet and ran without a second thought. The light at the end of the tunnel neared, and she could only wonder at what she would find on the other side.

Answers, she hoped.

…

_A/N: I don't have much to say. Are you guys interested in seeing where I could take this? Let me know. _


	2. Chapter 2

_Louise's Bad Fur Day II_

When Louise emerged from the tunnel she was pleased to note that she was at least beginning to dry off. The feeling of her sopped fur clinging to her clothes was probably the most unpleasant feeling she had ever experienced.

Louise also never thought she'd be annoyed about how her _fur_ felt against something.

But that didn't matter when she gazed over the landscape set out before her. Her tail swayed idly as she looked about. Far away to the left were the walls of a stone fortress that stretched high into the air. Near that a massive yellow shape loomed high above the trees. Louise could see many flying creatures circling around it, and from the shape alone of the structure she could only guess it was a massive hive of some sort, with massive insects patrolling overhead.

Best to avoid that spot then.

Straight ahead, in the distance, there was a tall windmill sitting on top of a hill. The blades lazily caught the breeze. It was on that windmill Louise saw a suspicious black shape. It was only a dot from where she was, but she was sure it was her mantle caught on one of the windmill's blades.

Louise decided to make her way to the windmill to see about getting her mantle back. It might have seemed like a mundane article of clothing to some, but she was a Noble, and she wasn't just going to let it get away.

Following the path down the small hill Louise felt the warm sun hit her fur. Wherever this place was, it certainly was a nice day. At the bottom of the hill she came to a fork in the cobblestone path where there was a wooden signpost. There were many signs pointing in all manner of directions, but she had never heard of any of the places before. Places like 'Willow woods' and 'Rapido Ranch' meant nothing to her.

The two largest signs caught most of her attention. Pointing to the left, the sign read 'Nasty', and to the right it read 'Nice'."

It wasn't a difficult decision. Who in their right mind would deliberately choose a path that was going to lead to somewhere nasty? Louise chose the right path.

The cobblestone trail wound between thin groves of trees and low grassy hills. Birds flew overhead, chirping out happy tunes. Louise looked up and shielded her eyes from the sun with her paw, and suddenly felt a weight on it. She was rather alarmed to find that a bird had landed right on one of her fingers. It stared at her with sickeningly cute eyes, whistling out some sort of song.

The bird flew away, rejoining its friends. Louise just stared after it, dumbfounded. Things like that just didn't happen in real life. _Then again…_ Louise looked down at her own hands… or rather, paws.

Best to continue on, she supposed. Around the next bend in the path Louise heart a suspicious buzzing, going along with the same tune the bird had been singing. She saw it come around from behind a tree. It was a beehive, sitting right on the ground. Certainly not as large as the one she had seen in the distance, but it was easily four times her size. A swarm of bees swirled around the hive, all of them wearing happy little faces. They were easily the size of apples.

And then there was the Queen Bee. It had to be the Queen Bee, because it was about a foot and a half long, with large, round eyes, exaggerated make-up, and even a cute little crown.

Louise stopped in her tracks, gaping. How could something like that even exist? Was it a sapient being?

How did that bee even fit in the hive?

She didn't want to know, so Louise walked past, and the bees ignored her completely. It seemed they were content with buzzing around aimlessly. The path went on much the same. There was a small stone bridge crossing a river, and more disturbingly happy animals scurrying and fluttering about.

There was a group of flowers, swaying and dancing happily. They even had faces, like almost everything else. One of them waved at her with a leaf.

After crossing the bridge the windmill was closing in. Louise could see now that it was definitely her mantle. She smiled despite everything else. At least one thing would go right today.

…

Sitting atop his tree stump, the dung beetle perked up, staring down through the brush with large mismatched eyes. A furry little creature was walking the path nearby. "Alright, who's dis?" He asked aloud, speaking in the thickest of Liverpool accents.

The dung beetle resting on the stump nearby looked as well. "Looks like it's one o' dem squirrels."

The first beetle's antenna twitched. "I reckon we should get down there and kick the shit out of 'er."

Another dung beetle grunted his disapproval. "Let's wait until she comes up 'ere, alright?"

The first beetle nodded. "Okay den, yeh."

…

At the base of the windmill Louise eyed over the twisting path that rounded the hill upwards. It was cobblestone for the most part, but as she walked she noticed a gap of freshly upturned earth. Louise didn't think much of it, until a giant earthworm sprung out of it.

Louise jumped back, squealing.

But it wasn't just an earthworm. It had a long and evil face, with a mouth filled with razor-like teeth. It growled and yipped not unlike a small dog would. It sniffed at the ground, and settled its face in Louise's direction.

Louise wondered if she should be surprised at this point. She crossed her arms, and glared. "Go!" She shouted. "Get! Go away!"

The worm responded by rattling out a series of barks.

And a second later the only thing left of it was a smouldering crater in the ground. Louise strode past, wand in paw. It seemed that wasn't the end of it, however. Only a dozen feet later, another earthworm shot out from the dirt, growling and snarling much like the last.

It was met with a similar, explosive fate.

The creatures here were on both ends of the spectrum, it seemed. Most of them were cute and cuddly with exaggerated happy expressions, much like one would find in a children's drawing, and then there were jarring things like the drunken scarecrow, the uncooperative gargoyle, and now these Founder-damned worms.

A third worm tried its luck, only to fail like the others, and Louise found herself thankful that was done and over with. She was at the top of the hill, standing right at the bottom of the windmill. The stone spire rose high up into the sky, and its massive blades rotated at a dismal pace. Louise didn't know how she was going to reach her mantle from here; it was somehow snagged at the end of a blade, well out of her reach.

The ends of the blades were fairly close to the ground at their lowest points. If she were only a few feet taller, she might have a chance.

Entering the windmill itself didn't seem to be an option. There was a hefty looking wooden barrel right in front of the door and Louise doubted she could move it with her pathetic upper body strength.

She might as well at least give it a shot.

Louise got her paws on the barrel with the intention to simply topple it over onto its side, but it gave a great shudder once she put any force into it.

The lid popped open a few inches, revealing blackness, and two beady eyes.

Louise stumbled back with a screech, narrowly avoiding falling on her tail. The barrel seemed so much more alive than before. Its wooden body flexed organically as it idly swayed back and forth. The barrel stared back impassively at Louise's gape.

"Wanna go for a ride?" The barrel asked.

Louise was absolutely dumbfounded. Today, she had met a living scarecrow, a living key, an actual gargoyle, passed alongside an enormous queen bee singing a song, and now she's met a barrel.

How could somebody ever say they've _met_ a barrel?

"Well?" The barrel pressed.

Louise remembered the question, a very ridiculous one at that. "Not… particularly?"

"Not particularly what?"

"A ride," Louise clarified.

"A ride!" The barrel chirped. "Yeah! Let's go for a ride!"

Didn't the barrel just hear her? Louise glanced around with her arms spread. "On what? I don't see anything to ride here!"

"On me."

Louise balked. "No! I don't want to go for a ride on you! You're a… you're a barrel!" There was a silence that followed. Apparently the barrel must have considered the conversation over when Louise had shot down its offer. Louise sighed tiredly. "Listen, I…" she looked around, defeated. She had an idea, but she wasn't particularly keen on it. "Could I just… stand on you for a moment?"

"No," the barrel instantly denied.

"But –" Louise grew irate. "You just offered me a ride, didn't you? Why can't I just stand on you instead?" She pointed upward as her mantle made another pass. "I just need to get my mantle, and I'll be gone!"

The barrel scoffed. "No," it repeated. "You ain't got enough money."

"Money?" Louise glared. "I don't have _any_ money! Look at me!"

The barrel shook his head… somehow. "Squirrels," he remarked dryly. "None of you ever make any sense. I offer you a ride, but instead you want to –"

Louise cut him off. "W-wait just a second! What did you just say?"

"I said, I offer you a ride, but instead –"

"No! No!" Louise waved her hands. "About squirrels! You said squirrels!"

"…Yeah?"

Louise felt her heart quicken. "So you're saying there are more. Squirrels I mean. Like myself?"

The barrel's eyes slanted in confusion. "Uh, yeah?"

Louise didn't know what to make of what information. She wondered, what _did_ she do during the summoning? Where was she right now? Some strange alternate reality where all of the people were squirrels and living objects?

She didn't think it was possible. It couldn't have been.

Then again, she _was_ talking to a barrel.

"Alright, look," Louise said slowly. "It won't take any more than a few seconds. I'll just –"

Looking up, Louise watched her mantle come loose from the windmill. It caught the breeze, and went flying away once again. She watched as it sailed right over what was probably one of the largest trees she had ever seen.

"No!" Louise cried, reaching out. "Don't… come back!"

"Don't come back?" The barrel asked quizzically.

Louise rounded on it, glaring. "Shut up! If it wasn't for you I'd have my mantle back right now!"

"Your mantle?"

"Yes my –" Louise cut herself short. She'd had enough. "Whatever then. Fine. I'll go and get it myself." She turned away and started stomping back down the hill. "Thank you, for nothing! Stupid barrel!"

When Louise got about halfway down the path she heard a very distinct rumbling coming up from behind. Looking, she was horrified to find the barrel rolling towards her at a ridiculous pace. She screamed out in fright and ran for all she was worth, fearing the barrel would flatten her into a sticky smear.

Louise leaped over one of the holes she had created blasting the worms to oblivion, and seconds later she heard a great crash behind her. She could only watch as the barrel spun through the air, right up over her head.

Following its trajectory, she saw that it was most definitely going to collide with something.

An enormous wasp was hovering through the air, seemingly minding its own business. It's rather angry-looking face morphed to shock and its eyes literally bugged right out of their sockets when it saw the barrel hurling through the air. Barrel and wasp collided with a sickening thud, and they both dropped right out of the sky and into the nearby river. The current washed them away.

Louise looked at what just happened, her jaw unhinged.

Perhaps she shouldn't have called the barrel stupid.

…

Louise had sat on the path for a while, mulling things over. This day was turning out to be horrible in every sense of the term.

Especially now that she was on her back looking towards the clouds.

She had walked in the direction her mantle had traveled. She had nothing else to go on right now, so what else was there to do? Something very large and very hard had come rocketing through the trees, hitting her head on and bowling her right over.

Then Louise heard them hooting and laughing at her. Finally looking up, she saw the handful of dung beetles sitting on their stumps. How she hadn't noticed them before was beyond her, because they were _massive_. Their bodies were in a colored pattern of red and black, they had long spindly legs, their heads were misshapen, one eye was larger than the other, and their mouths were almost beak-like.

"What is wrong with you!?" Louise screamed for all her lungs were worth. "Why did you do that!?"

Something sailed through the air towards her. Louise desperately leapt to the side, just as it hit the ground with a wet _thwack. _Looking, Louise thought it was just a big pile of dirt, but upon closer nasal examination she discovered that it wasn't. It was a big lump of feces.

The beetles seemed to find this doubly amusing, so they roared with unrestrained laughter. One of them fell off their stump and onto their back, slapping their gut. Louise felt something snap. She shot to her feet, arm out. The laughing beetle that was on his back was torn to shreds in a mess of stringy bug guts and chunks of exoskeleton.

Louise gaped wide. She hadn't meant to do exactly _that_. The beetles had peeved her, but she hadn't meant to explode one of them in that mess of guts, limbs, and sickly yellow mush. The other beetles hadn't taken the death of their friend lightly. They all froze, before one of them yelled.

"I'm gonna kick the shit out of this bitch!"

The three beetles began their charge, soaring and bobbing between trees. Louise's disgust quickly vanished, replaced by fear and adrenaline. Her wand went up, and the first explosion was right in the face of another beetle, but it wasn't fatal like the last. The beetle went spinning end over end, and collided right into a tree with a sharp crack. It fell to the ground, unconscious.

The next explosion ripped a hole through the side of a tree, showering the next beetle with chunks of wood and splinters. It didn't kill or knock him out of his consciousness, but it certainly was enough to give him pause. The last remaining beetle had nearly cleared the treeline, but Louise's final explosion ripped up the earth right in his face, showering him with dirt and foliage.

"Get back!" Louise hollered, holding her wand out threateningly. "G-Get back! I'll blow y-you all up, I swear!" One of the beetles tried to move forward again, so Louise blew up the ground underneath him. He flipped up in the air, and landed solidly on the ground in a daze. "Go! I-I said go! Now!"

The two conscious beetles fled back through the trees, cursing and shouting all the while. The dazed beetle flew a little oddly, and hit a few trees along the way. Louise watched them go, her wand still up. When she cautiously advanced through the trees, she spared the knocked-out beetle a glance. She supposed it would be fine when it woke up.

But when she saw the sticky goo that was the beetle she had blown apart, bile rose in her throat. She staggered away, avoiding. She nearly tripped over a motionless leg. Following the vague direction her mantle had gone in, she came up on a very large tree.

The tree was noteworthy as being _huge_, but other than that there was a large hole cut right through the middle, leading to nothing but inky blackness.

Or maybe cut wasn't the right word. It was more like burrowed. The edges were so smooth.

Was this the only way? The tree was right at the edge of a sheer rock wall, and the other way was where those beetles had gone. Louise threw caution to the wind, and entered the tree.

...

_A/N: This chapter was short, especially when compared to the first one. Expect that in the future. This is just a casual thing I'm writing when I run out of steam on my other ideas. _

_Speaking of other ideas, my muse needs to quit. I've started writing yet another FoZ fic, this time my first 'Louise summons x', in which she summons a certain red and white 1958 Plymouth Fury. _

…


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